Patching Holes
My relationship addiction to people masked something deep inside me, it turns out, temporarily patching empty holes of unworthiness, loss and grief that lingered, unresolved. The same is true of potential addicts who abuse substances or who escape incessantly to pornography, working, gaming. . . I’m sure we can name more.
Unidentified psychological holes often mark the beginning of an unhealthy path to addiction in an attempt to satisfy what’s missing. Our holes start small, maybe activated by the loss of a loved one who made us feel complete, a mental health issue such as depression, or a pattern of codependency that formed in us when we tried to bring balance to an unstable environment by managing another person’s actions or emotions.
Maybe little potholes of past abuse, anxiety, loneliness, developed into sinkholes and then craters that consume your entire being. Seeking peace and harmony—or even just the ability to make it through the day—we continue to fill the holes until it becomes a habit, a hook we can’t shake, until we’re flopping like a fish at the end of a long pole.
We’re not gratified with our hole-filling strategy, our short-term fix. We need more of that thing we seek to fill us, knowing it’s temporary, much like the white sand in a flipped over hour-glass—unreliable, always draining.
We repeat the pattern, yet we’re still not satisfied. The fake fix doesn’t fix.
In order to patch our holes, we first need to identify what holes we’re trying to fill? Admittedly, it’s complex—many of us can’t stop filling our holes with our addiction of choice long enough to see what’s missing. Until the pain of staying the same becomes greater that the pain of change.
Once you recognize you have holes, then what?
Many people believe we need a higher power to fill our holes. I land on that page. But what about the people who don’t? How do you recover? What do you use to replace your craving for. . . something? Perhaps you become a marathoner, a serial dater, a cat lady or a daily pickleballer. Or you stop drinking and start smoking. Maybe you buy a fancy car and beam when people compliment your savvy, finding yourself validated for a season. Or have more babies who need you and provide love and authentication on a daily basis. Or travel and keep yourself on the move, distracted from noticing your holes.
What’s the next step?
Recovery begins when we can identify where our holes originated. Once someone recognizes they’re filling holes, they can then begin letting go, and next, start embracing change. Maybe it starts with a detox. Perhaps a recovery group. (I have a resource list on my website on the Mentor page under Resources for Recovery. https://lizsalamyabess.com/mentor.) When I could no longer deny my issues I sought therapy for my mind, God for my spirit, yoga for my body. And began journaling daily gratitude, something I find essential to my continued recovery, hope and joy. Maybe you want to consider attending my ReVision Discovery workshop, details on my website.
Where do we find true transformation?
Unfortunately, there’s no shortcut which stops some people from ever striving to heal. We recover by doing daily work. Hourly work. Maybe minute by minute at first. By patching the holes. Seeking 1% wins for days, weeks, years, maybe decades (in my case) over and over until old habits, thoughts and beliefs are replaced with new ones. By not letting the lies about our addiction defeat us.
I pray you’ll do the work to patch your holes—big or small—so you can then turn around and help other people. For truly as we age and our priorities change, emotionally healthy people often make a new discovery: serving other people is what life’s all about. They find that helping other people fill their holes is more satisfying than any short term fake fix.