Dear Liz:
BABY BOUNDARIES
Dear Liz:
My friends want to come over and help me with my newborn, but I don’t want to feel overwhelmed and like I need to host them, especially if they’re drinking and getting sloppy. I appreciate the offer and don’t know how to turn them down without making them feel less important? How do I stop caring so much about other people’s feelings? Thank you, Rebecca
Dear Rebecca,
You’re fortunate to have such supportive friends, and congratulations on the newborn!
This is a question about boundaries. Having boundaries helps us maintain healthy, balanced relationships and love people well without losing ourselves in the process. That last part is key.
I’d put money on it not being the first time this has come up for you, Rebecca, but now there’s a baby to consider which adds another layer, since you are now her protector as well.
So, let’s make some plans.
It sounds like these are good friends, so it’s not a matter of caring about their feelings, that’s normal. It’s a matter of not losing yourself by putting their needs first.
I’ve had a couple of babies and assure you no one has (or should have) any expectations of you hosting them. Quite the opposite. My advice is to release that, and—in whatever way it feels right—establish expectations when talking with them about the plans for their visit. (Or the lack of a visit if the timing doesn’t work for you.)
You could say, “I don’t have time to cook these days, so you might want to eat something before you come over,” or “Bring your own drinks, I haven’t been to the store.” Something along those lines. And don’t worry about tidying your house.
Your newborn trumps everyone else’s needs!
Another plan you can develop in advance is how to handle it if the “drinking and getting sloppy” makes you uncomfortable on behalf of yourself or the baby, like if people start kissing her during flu season or passing her around without supporting her well—you know what I mean. (It makes me uneasy just thinking about it!)
I encourage you to decide in advance how you want to respond? Maybe plan to say, “You guys are making me nervous; I’m taking her into the other room.” You can even add a silly tone. Or “I love you guys, but we need a nap, sorry, but I gotta kick everyone out. I totally appreciate you coming over.”
Feel free to say no to a visit and/or kick into Mama Bear mode whenever it feels necessary. If you’ve explained yourself and they don’t understand, that’s on them.
DISCLAIMER: All suggestions are expressions of my personal opinion only, informed by decades of research and experience. However, since every situation is different, outcomes are not guaranteed.