Dear Miz Liz:

SIGNS OF A CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP

Dear Miz Liz

My friend just separated from his wife for the third time. At the heart of it appears to be his stepson’s behavior and his wife’s desire that he not be involved as a primary parent. The child has open access to her credit card and spends thousands of dollars a month on gaming and clothes, openly drinks at home (he’s 16 years old), skips school and is failing classes. The wife does not try to stop any of this behavior but instead operates like a friend or buddy. She even does his homework for him in the middle of the night. How can this parent be helped to change her behavior in order to hopefully give this kid (pretty sure the marriage is a lost cause) a fighting chance in life? –Kathleen

Dear Kathleen,

Mom needs help.

I’d honestly question the validity of this situation if I didn’t believe you can’t make this up (or wouldn’t). It’s tragic on so many levels and it summarizes my greatest passion in life: keeping kids on track.

It hurts my heart to hear that a mom would cause this much damage to her son—whom I imagine she loves—by setting him up for a lifetime of pain and creating a monster in the process.

He’s heading for an uncertain future marked by little self-reliance or resilience, likely with alcoholism or another addiction (possibly gaming), and most definitely without the confidence that comes from achieving small successes that give us the self-assurance to craft a productive life.

Forgive me for being blunt but this is an emergency in the making. There are so many issues, I’m not even sure where to begin. Let’s start with the easy stuff: education.

By doing his homework for him, Mom’s both a) robbing him of the opportunity to learn. But more importantly, she’s b) removing the natural and powerful lessons we gain from the consequence of failure by assuring he doesn’t fail (although, apparently, he is regardless of her efforts).

Not to mention she’s losing sleep by doing his work in the middle of the night. So let’s go there next.

Dear Miz Liz often defines codependency as giving up something—losing yourself (or sleep in this case)—to help someone when you haven’t been asked and it’s not yours to do. (I pray he hasn’t asked Mom to do his homework but wouldn’t be surprised, since it sounds like that’s the culture she’s created in their relationship. Note I said, “she’s created.” She’s the adult.)

Her pattern suggests she’s likely covering for him when he skips classes—in the hopes he won’t fail or drop out— perhaps writing notes and rescuing. Enabling. My mom did that with my brother. But Mom can’t save him forever and life will catch up with him.

If he drops out of high school life gets harder, and by then he may not be equipped to pull up his bootstraps and plow ahead. She’s robbing him of acquiring that fortitude (no doubt believing she’s helping him), which ultimately is likely motivated by her desire to be valued, to be his friend (which she undoubtedly doesn’t recognize). Taken a step further, we can conclude it makes it her need and, by definition, is selfish. And codependent.

Informed parents know that we are first parents, not friends, and shouldn’t try to be our children’s friends until they’re in their twenties, and that’s only if we did the hard work and taught them the skills necessary to become independent and move forward in a “successful” life. Then they’ll seek us as friends, as valuable assets in their life.

I predict Mom and her son will have an unhealthy, possibly contentious relationship in ten or twenty years—if she tires of the handouts—because it’s never enough, he’s incapable of managing his own life, and is understandably angry and demanding.

I wonder, does she feel guilty and is showing up as a Disneyland mom to keep him close? It’s common for moms to indulge their kids and to become dependent on them for fulfillment, i.e., codependent. That’s what happened in my family and my brother is now dead from an overdose at age 36. Which explains my passion. But back to Mom.

You mention that this 16-year-old has “open access to her credit card” and that he “openly drinks at home,” both HUGE no-no’s for a minor for obvious reasons. Any kid who’s not engaged in sports, academics or another activity outside of school can hold a part-time job. This occupies an idle brain and teaches him how to manage money and save for things he desires, as well as earn a credit rating in his name and handle debt if he overspends. Mom is also robbing him of those life lessons.

How many missing lessons is that now?

The last topic is his underage drinking. This seems obvious—there’s a reason there are laws against it—since, although alcohol consumption might temporarily satisfy feelings of failure and worthlessness, it could also evolve into a substance use problem that could haunt him for years. It’s not just figuratively, but literally criminal if she’s buying him alcohol.

Instead, Mom has 1-2 years left until he’s 18 to mandate behavior that creates a foundation for growth, aspiration and hope for his future.

Okay, I’m done ranting, Kathleen. You asked how can this parent be helped to give this kid a chance? She has to want help. I’ve said before that no one changes until the desire to change is greater than the desire to stay the same.

Which means she has to admit there’s a problem. I’m sure your friend has told her many times that her behavior is outrageous. (My response doesn’t even address the relationship between your friend and Mom, but that pales next to the fact that she’s setting her son up for extraordinary failure, hence leaving the marriage to his stepdad as a topic for another day.)

Unfortunately, unless she’s willing to recognize her unhealthy role in her son’s life (maybe begin by having her read this answer), read some parenting books, get some counseling, there’s not much anyone can do. Your friend could report Mom to the authorities for furnishing alcohol to her son, but the misdemeanor probably wouldn’t change anything; besides, she’d likely buy her way out of it.

So, the question is how do we get her to see she has a problem?

I would encourage your friend to invite her to find a good mental health professional who can help her with her parenting style and to understand why and how she’s enabling her son. Maybe do an intervention with some friends or family members if her denial prevents her from accepting her need for treatment for codependency recovery. She’s already lost her marriage and I expect other relationships have been affected by similar behaviors. Perhaps those people would be willing to help her see the reality of her actions.

If not now, at some point she’ll begin to glimpse the error of her ways. It will likely be too late for her son, unless we can speed up the process and reign him in yesterday. By the way, he will likely rebel against change in the beginning, but I predict in time he’ll value the boundaries. Most kids do, if she can remain consistent.

Please let me know if there’s any more that Dear Miz Liz can do—meet with her on Zoom for example—I’d be happy to have a conversation with her. As I said, keeping kids on the right path is my greatest passion, and this kid is about to veer off a cliff.

DISCLAIMER: All suggestions are expressions of my personal opinion only, informed by decades of research and experience. However, since every situation is different, outcomes are not guaranteed.