Dear Miz Liz:
Dear Miz Liz:
My coworker constantly asks me to help him with his projects, but I end up not getting my own work done. It’s hard for me to say no. I don’t want to let him down, but it’s become a pattern and I’m getting resentful. What should I do? -Jeffrey
Dear Jeffrey,
I’m glad you asked before you’re ready to throttle him. So many of us just accept situations and don’t “use our words”—as my kindergarten teacher used to say—to deal with issues before they’re out of hand. They build and build until we’re ready to quit the job, the marriage, the friendship . . . you get the idea.
I imagine that’s super frustrating, helping him rise, while your work sinks.
I get it. As a little sister, Miz Liz was always ready to help my big brother when he needed me. It gave me an opportunity to be close with him, and in turn receive value and attention for helping him either clean his room, do his chores, or just wash his car. I adored him and had him on a pedestal above me.
And he knew it.
That’s the part that stinks. I bet your coworker expects you’ll say yes. No wonder you’re getting resentful. You are being taken advantage of. (Little Miz Liz didn’t see it then, but I became codependent in my relationship with my brother when he evolved into a heavily addicted drug user.) Codependent and people-pleasing habits often creep into our daily life.
You don’t state if it’s your equal or someone above you in the hierarchy, but it sounds like you have the option to say no. I don’t just mean an emotional option, but an I-don’t-want-to-get-fired option. Based on your question, we’ll assume you are equals and advise accordingly.
It would be easy to suggest you just-say-no, but let’s add a little finesse to keep your relationship intact. Since you didn’t wait until the quitting stage, there’s no point in adding unnecessary tension. Simply be truthful with Mr. Coworker. Say something like, “Hey Co, I don’t mind helping you out now and then, but it’s becoming a pattern. I’m not getting my own work done. Sorry, but I’ve got to pass this time.”
And be ready to say it again. And again.
It might affect your relationship at first, but it will no doubt improve your work performance. Over time I predict he’ll accept your boundaries. Don’t worry if he resents you for a bit—his emotions are not your business—just stay in your lane. In the end he’ll respect you for it, and I’m betting your relationship will prosper.
You’ve got this, Jeffrey.
DISCLAIMER: All suggestions are expressions of my personal opinion only, informed by decades of research and experience. However, since every situation is different, outcomes are not guaranteed.