Dear Miz Liz:
WHEN YOUR PARTNER THREATENS SUICIDE:
“I am married to an alcoholic who has binge episodes that scare me. When I tell him I want to end our relationship, he tells me that he has nothing to live for and if I leave him, he will take his own life. He has attempted suicide before. I don’t think I could live with myself if that happened. What should I do?” —Lisa
Dear Lisa,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know that pain from experience. A high school boyfriend made a similar threat—it was one of the hardest seasons of my life. I imagine you are older than I was, and have more life experience, but in the end it’s the same: we feel a responsibility for someone’s life.
There is no easy solution.
It would be irresponsible for me not to first recommend that you take him seriously and suggest counseling for him and/or you, to explore the depth of his pain and get him help, regardless of the outcome of your relationship.
If the situation becomes urgent, call 988 for immediate help.
With that said, I now know I was manipulated by that boy and another time in my life with threats of suicide, threats that felt very real to them and me at the time. It sucked. But their need for drugs or alcohol or validation or love or whatever the thing was that could lessen their own pain, erased any concern over the effect it had on me.
When we’re broken, we can’t see beyond our own need.
It reminds me of the heartache of living alongside someone who is struggling with drugs or alcohol, and the fear of them being found dead somewhere, a concern that lingers over us all the time, often keeping us in a perpetual state of anxiety. And guilt. This can take a toll on our own health.
In most cases, our addicted loved one knows this, and uses it to coerce us, consciously or not.
A counselor can help you navigate this with or without hubby. I am not a counselor, just a girl who’s been there. Who lived it day to day, and who learned to add a layer of emotional bubble wrap around me. I stopped letting them compel me to take responsibility for their lives and finally realized none of us are responsible for—or in control of—another person’s choices.
This took conversations with professionals and God and trusted friends and family. I encourage you to reach out to others as you determine the fate of your relationship. Don’t navigate this alone, Lisa, and I’ll say a prayer for you. This will be one of the hardest experiences of your life.
In case you’re curious, both men I spoke of are still alive in a healthier place. That’s my hope for you.
DISCLAIMER: All suggestions are expressions of my personal opinion only, informed by decades of research and experience. However, since every situation is different, outcomes are not guaranteed.