Dear Miz Liz:
Dear Miz Liz:
My brother was sober and doing well, but now he's using again and moved back into Mom's house. He's clearly taking advantage of her and she's returned to her old enabling behaviors, like cooking and providing for him, while he steals and sells her stuff. What should I do?
My siblings and I don't live nearby. Dad died a couple years ago and she’s 77. She had boundaries once before, so I know she understands. -Karin
Dear Karin,
I’m guessing you’re actually asking what Mom should do—more than what you should do—since you don’t have much control over the situation. So, let’s go there first, then we’ll get back to you.
It sounds like Mom has some awareness, since “she had boundaries before.” But you also mentioned your dad’s passing. First off, I’m sorry. I imagine that changed Mom’s whole world. And with the rest of you far away, I’m guessing that she’s lonely, still grieving Dad’s loss, and trying to figure out what life is supposed to look like.
Your brother probably fills a vacant space in her life. So she might not even realize subconsciously that she’s enabling again.
Can you gently remind her that her caretaking provides a ripe environment for him to keep using?
In my workshops I talk about recognizing roles, letting go and embracing change. You don’t mention his history with using, but if he was sober for a while, maybe she’s forgotten how her codependency could be hurting him, keeping him stuck. Sobriety is hard work—and entirely his choice—but remind her that making cash available and life comfortable could delay him in making that choice.
Since he’s been sober before, he knows what it looks like and how to get there. She does, too, and her role is in how she responds to him, whether it’s loving, enabling or codependent, and that’s often hard to determine. (I wrote a mini-guide that helps with that, which you can grab at https://lizsalamyabess.com/newsletter-signup or email me liz@revisiondecision.com and I’ll send it to you.) It’s especially hard if she feels vulnerable around him, which I’m betting is likely.
If she’s not prepared to kick him out, maybe she can say that if he’s going to live with her, he needs to pay rent, buy groceries AND join her at recovery meetings. She could suggest she join him at an open AA meeting or Celebrate Recovery, a support program available at churches around the world. Each week they have a message, music and support for people seeking a new way of living. They welcome everyone, no matter what their hurts, habits or hangups, including addiction and codependency. I imagine they can find one not too far from Mom.
It would provide her a connection in her life and provide him an opportunity to be around people like himself. To be reminded of what sober living looks like. And it’s something they could do together, as they both learn how to do something different in their relationship.
It’s not a quick solution, but it’s a start.
Now back to you.
You didn’t mention any health issues, so I’m assuming Mom is capable of handling him herself. If this situation continues to spiral, and Mom doesn’t take any of your suggestions, consider how YOU want to respond.
Do you need permission to not step in and fix it? (Which could look like an offer to help pay his rent so he can move out. Or move her out instead—which could be a disaster).
You can have boundaries with her, like she should with him. Consider saying something like, “Mom, if you’re going to keep enabling, I don’t want to hear about Brother. I’ll check on you, but the conversation about him is off limits.” Or you could write her a letter setting your boundaries, after you take some time to think about it.
I’m so sorry for this mess you’re in, one you didn’t choose. I know it sucks; I’ve been there. There’s a reason it’s called a family disease.
DISCLAIMER: All suggestions are expressions of my personal opinion only, informed by decades of research and experience. However, since every situation is different, outcomes are not guaranteed.