Dear Liz:

THE LINE BETWEEN CARING AND CODEPENDENCY

Dear Liz:

I feel guilty sometimes for the way I was not very patient with my kids when they were younger.  Now I think they have the right to mistreat me in a way. When does the line of caring and codependency get crossed? Thanks, Claudia

Dear Claudia,

My simple answer is that the line gets crossed when we lose ourselves to meet someone else’s needs when it’s not ours to do. (I assure you that you’re not alone, Claudia, many parents have a hard time separating the two.)

Of course, we’re talking about adults, since parents have an obligation to meet their young children’s physical and emotional needs. (That seems obvious, but always not to emotionally unhealthy parents, so I needed to throw it in there.)

You don’t share how you were impatient nor how they mistreat you, but my guess is that it starts with disrespect. Have you given them unwritten permission to disrespect you because of your guilt and perhaps shame for how you were impatient when they were younger? As though you deserve punishment?

If so, my first suggestion is to sit them down and have a conversation, apologize, acknowledge how you were a different person back then and regret how you were impatient. (Without me knowing if your “impatience” means you yelled at them, hit them, locked them in a room, only you can decide the level of amends you need to make.)

Give them an opportunity to respond and share their experience. Just let them talk and don’t defend yourself. Hear what they have to say. Make a point to remember the things you’ll need to process later, on your own, after the conversation is over. Ways you can continue to grow.

Hopefully this goes well, then healing begins to happen for everyone.

After that, move forward in a healthy, balanced, give and take relationship filled with love and respect. Period. Don’t repeat old patterns, and when you do, apologize again. And do better.

But don’t shower them with money you don’t have to spare or involve yourself in unwanted managing of their lives in an effort to make amends or stay connected. That’s codependency. You’ll likely push them further away—I’m sure the opposite of what you desire.

It might be a slow process, but if you’re consistent in how you treat them, Claudia, honoring them and yourself without drama, you will begin to see change and beauty begin to blossom in your relationships.

Again, treat them as adults, love them and care about them, but no longer respond with guilt and giving in order to keep them close. That’s when you cross the line.

DISCLAIMER: All suggestions are expressions of my personal opinion only, informed by decades of research and experience. However, since every situation is different, outcomes are not guaranteed.