Dear Liz:
FAMILY GATHERINGS WITH AN ALCOHOLIC
Dear Liz:
My adult son has a drinking problem but is sober now and doing the twelve steps. I thought he was doing well, but on Thanksgiving he got drunk at my brother’s house. I noticed it early on, but before long it became obvious and awkward for everyone, so my family left early. On Christmas we will be together again. I’m stuck in the middle, should I tell him he can’t come? Thank you, Sheila
Dear Sheila,
Your question is really about boundaries, and I respect you for asking it. I imagine you’ve had some experience with this and appreciate where it’s coming from.
If you’ve been reading this column, you know I’m normally a tough love kind of girl. In this case, though, I’d focus on the word “love.” Keeping him away at Christmas would seem like the ultimate rejection to your son—who you say is working on his recovery. The trigger for him feeling unwanted and unloved on Christmas might result in an outcome you can’t live with.
Which is not to say you allow him to ruin Christmas for everyone. I’d have a conversation with him (when he’s sober) in advance and let him know how the family experienced him at Thanksgiving, and that it won’t be tolerated at Christmas.
Explain to him that if you notice him drinking you will ask him to leave.
Share your plan with the family and ask them to support you asking him to leave if he’s behaving inappropriately. (This is to avoid a scene if he’s inebriated and argues with you when you ask him to leave.
I doubt this conversation will surprise anyone—they will likely be glad you’re acknowledging the elephant (alcoholic) in the room. It’s uncomfortable for everyone to have someone drunk at a gathering—even to anticipate the possibility of it happening—especially if this is a repeated behavior. (I expect it’s happened many times before, which sucks, I know . . . I’ve been there.)
Be sure to let your son know the extended family will back you, so he realizes he’s not fooling anyone.
But don’t “leave early” and ruin the fun for the rest of your own family. That’s where boundaries come in. Plan to arrange for an Uber or Lyft or whatever is available in your area to take him home and go on with your merry event.
The choice is his to make, and not yours to fix.
Which brings me to another point. I encourage you to find your own support group that can help you remove yourself from being “stuck in the middle.” If your child is an adult, it’s no longer yours to do. His actions, his consequences.
I pray it won’t get ugly and that he’ll continue into his recovery and have a happy and healthy new year. Merry Christmas, Sheila.
DISCLAIMER: All suggestions are expressions of my personal opinion only, informed by decades of research and experience. However, since every situation is different, outcomes are not guaranteed.