Dear Miz Liz:

WHAT’S OUR ROLE IN THEIR ADDICTION? CHANGING HOW WE RESPOND

Dear Miz Liz: I have a family member who is struggling with addiction. I’ve confronted him in the past about getting help, but it has been a fruitless effort. Is there anything I can do to help?- Denise

Dear Denise,

Your question asks if you can help, and unfortunately any “help” you can offer won’t bring about immediate and lasting results—unless he’s ready to change.

I expect you’ve tried everything you can think of to help him see his life through your lens. Sometimes us family members beat ourselves up looking for the one-liner that will trigger a huge AHA moment of clarity and then we’ll both ride happily into the sunset. I haven’t yet discovered those enchanted words, though I tried for decades with several addicts in my life.

You don’t mention if he’s in denial of his addiction, Denise, or simply not ready to make changes in his life, but the blunt answer remains the same. In fact, some addicts manage their lives—not the same productive and fulfilling lives we would choose for them—while managing their addiction. I’m thinking of functioning alcoholics or addicts whose lives never thrive, but who seem to get by much of the time.

Until they don’t. And then we need to have boundaries because when they’re actively using, they often demand from us, or lie or manipulate us, or simply cause us detrimental anxiety that diminishes our own joy and peace. Even our health.

That’s when we need to make decisions about our own boundaries. You can help yourself more than you can help your unwilling family member.

I imagine he knows there are resources available, and it sounds like you are willing to help him if he wants help. That’s the key question: Does he want help? Many times, we offer to help when we haven’t been asked because we so desperately want them to change.

A recovering opioid addict I know expressed that the people around him should not make suggestions or solve problems for him. It lowers his need to change and diminishes the opportunity for him to see his life as crappy enough to do something different.

With addiction, it may not be a choice as the disease takes over their lives. But we know sobriety is an option and—although the stats aren’t super encouraging—addicts do get clean and remain that way the rest of their lives. They first have to choose recovery.

And when you family member does, be sure he knows you’re waiting with open arms to help him revise his present situation and rewrite the rest of his story.

DISCLAIMER: All suggestions are expressions of my personal opinion only, informed by decades of research and experience. However, since every situation is different, outcomes are not guaranteed.