Dear Miz Liz:
DRAWING BOUNDARIES AFTER ENABLING
Dear Miz Liz:
My 28-year-old nephew says he’ll soon be evicted from his apartment since his roommates aren’t working and can’t pay their rent. He asked me for money—again, but for now I said no. I’ve helped him many times before, but he keeps making bad choices for his life. I learned he is not welcome in my sister’s house due to a family issue with his sister which they won’t share with me. He’s about to lose his job, he smokes weed (but I think that’s all), and he’s very overweight. I’ve been a safe space for him but feel like he’s taking advantage of me now. What should I do? –Suzanne
Dear Suzanne,
It sounds like you’re in a pickle. And nephew is stuck in a pattern.
I imagine you enjoy being a “safe space” for him—most of us do—and yet you’re starting to question if that’s being helpful or hurtful to him and his growth. I applaud you for pausing to take a look.
I’m curious to know more about the family issue, and imagine you are, too. We’re usually not banned from our family home unless something traumatic happened, a red flag in and of itself.
Since you’ve helped him many times, no doubt he feels comfortable reaching out to the spigot that’s served him before. If it were me—mind you, I’m a pretty logic-based girl—you need to stop enabling him.
Today.
He’s a grown man asking for financial help. And since you didn’t indicate that he has disabilities that prevent him from earning a sustainable income, I’ll assume he’s capable of taking care of himself. My guess is that he suffers from insecurity that lets him choose slacker roommates who are taking advantage of him, and perhaps a lack of motivation that positions him to lose his job.
Another big red flag for Miz Liz is smoking weed, which can stifle our ambition over time. Although you think that’s his only substance use, I speculate that Aunt Suzanne doesn’t know all the details. It appears he’s “filling holes” inside him with marijuana and food, if not more.
The addictions that keep us temporarily filled ultimately keep us stuck.
He’s clearly caught in a pattern of poor choices, choices that will hopefully lead him to crave change for his life. Your enabling him will slow down that process.
I understand your desire to help, especially since it sounds like his life is collapsing, and no doubt you don’t want to be responsible for him making even worse decisions as a result. That’s why this is so hard, I get it.
Since nephew clearly has some problems he can’t see his way out of on his own, if you want to help I suggest you offer to pay for counseling sessions—that you pay directly to a therapist. A good therapist that understands his brokenness. Suggest he join a weekly support group. Celebrate Recovery welcomes anyone with hurts, hangups, and habits (which pretty much includes everyone at some point). But I would not offer him cash or gift cards to fast-food (which he can cash out in an instant), or anything else material.
Therapy. Love. Support. The opportunity to improve his mental state which—if he sticks with it—will eventually empower him to make better choices for his future.
It’s a generous offer, Suzanne, he’s lucky to have you. But only he knows if and when he’s ready to do something different, to take the steps that might lead him back into the family home. That’s my hope for him.
Your comments are welcome… what would you suggest to Suzanne?
DISCLAIMER: All suggestions are expression of my personal opinion only, informed by decades of research and experience. However, since every situation is different, outcomes are not guaranteed.