Saying No on a Wednesday

When we love someone who struggles with addiction or emotional chaos, one of our greatest challenges can be saying “no.”

Often, we react before we’ve had a chance to consider our answer. Years of experience, worry, and wanting to help can make “yes” feel automatic. 

Responding gives us a moment to pause and think about what we’re being asked—and what we’re able to give. (We'll talk more about reacting v. responding another day.)

Can you give me $100 to pay my parking ticket? Otherwise, my car will get towed and I won’t be able to drive to work.

Can you call my boss and tell her I’m sick? Otherwise, I’ll get fired.

Sometimes, our people don’t even ask for help. We put their needs first almost without noticing. Being needed can help us feel close to them.

We do their laundry.

We watch their shows because they don’t like ours.

We pay their rent and make their meals, enjoying their company, even as we wonder whether our help is leaving them room to grow. 

What if you said no once in a while? To them—or to your own impulse to step in.

Maybe just one time on a Wednesday.

Tonight, I’d like to watch my show.

What might happen if you paused before coming to the rescue? If they had to work out the parking ticket, call their own boss, or do their laundry? If you began a conversation about their taking more responsibility for their living expenses?

It can be hard to imagine.

At first, saying no may feel mean, unloving, or uncomfortable—especially when we’re used to being the one who fixes things.

But that feeling doesn’t necessarily mean we’re doing something wrong.

What if stepping back gives them a little more room to take responsibility? What if it helps them move forward, even a tiny bit? What if a thoughtful “no” can be loving, too?

It might be good for us as well.

We can start small. We can care about their struggles while making room for our own needs, preferences, and lives.

If you’re ready to explore what that might look like, you’re welcome to reply to this email. I’ve watched clients light up as they discover they have choices, begin changing how they show up in their relationships, and make room for themselves again.

Maybe this Wednesday, there’s room for a “yes” to you.

Hugs, Liz

The Overgiver's Coach