Dear Liz:

SHOULD I CALL CPS?

My mid-20s son lives with his baby and her mom in a filthy apartment. He’s super unmotivated, addicted to gaming, smokes marijuana, and together they’re barely able to pay their rent. I offer suggestions, but it just makes them mad. I’m over them and their choices, but the dirty dishes and hoarding and even an occasional cockroach make me crazy on behalf of my granddaughter, their beautiful, innocent one year old who spends a lot of time exploring. They love her, but often keep her in her room because it’s easier. I’m inclined to call CPS, but they’ll know it’s me and I don’t want to lose them? What do you suggest? Thanks, Tristan

Dear Tristan,

If you lose your son, you lose your granddaughter—it’s that simple.

Clearly, you’re stuck between a baseboard and a floorboard—which I’m sure she’s exploring—and like a rock and a hard place, it’s a lousy place to be.

In most cases when there’s addiction involved (gaming can be an addiction), Dear Liz advises that it’s not yours to fix. And sadly, that’s still primarily true.

But when an innocent child is involved, my boundaries shift to accommodate the needs a child can’t meet on her own. Saving the kid(s) is always the first priority.

We know that safety and security are necessary for anyone, at any age, to thrive. It sounds like she has neither right now.

With that in mind, calling CPS could not only ostracize your kids, but will likely not improve the baby’s life. They’ll probably show up, check the apartment, give them a time frame to clean it and there will be no lasting consequences. Unfortunately, there are so many more horrendous home situations, that this one likely won’t get much attention.

Which leads me to this: First ask yourself—besides them making changes to how they do life—which is not yours to fix—what is your goal? If CPS removed the child, where would she go? Into the system? Do you want her to live with you?

Since you cannot change how they do life, and assuming you decide not to ask the government/ social services to get involved, let’s talk about what you CAN do.

I recommend you provide your granddaughter safety and security outside of your son and his baby mama whenever and wherever possible. (Which requires staying connected to them.) Spend as much time as you can with her at your house. Influence her, read to her, socialize her, let her explore in a clean environment, teach her right and wrong, and love her with everything you’ve got.

A grandparent’s influence over a child can be a gamechanger over time, literally making the difference in who they become and the positive or negative lens from which they view life. I’ve seen it happen, even when their time together was limited.

I encourage you to create an environment where grandma’s house features sunshine and roses for this baby who’s early life already looms under a dark cloud.

DISCLAIMER: All suggestions are expressions of my personal opinion only, informed by decades of research and experience. However, since every situation is different, outcomes are not guaranteed.