Dear Liz:

CAN YOU SUPPORT AND FEEL SAFE WITH AN ADDICT?

My brother’s struggled with drugs for years. He’s in his 40s. He’s been to rehab and I spent a week with him at the hospital when he nearly died last year from an overdose. I thought he was sober now, but when we went to dinner recently, I watched him suddenly change during the meal. He became super tired (he didn’t drink) and when he drove Mom and I home after dinner, he was all over the road. I was angry and afraid that night, and now I’m not sure what to do. He swears he’s sober, but I don’t believe it and think he needs help. What should I do? —Riley

Dear Riley,

I hear that you want to help your brother, but safety takes priority over all other things. I bet that drive home from dinner was scary.

I imagine you’ve seen him both sober and high many times over the years, so I don’t question your ability to assess when he’s under the influence—of something. Nor do I question his ability to snow the people in his life, himself included. Which is not a character statement, it’s an addiction statement, part of the disease.

I could suggest a drug test (although some drugs have a short window of detection or require an expensive blood test), but there’s really no point, is there? If he’s using, it’s his decision to lie or not lie, seek treatment or continue down the path of addiction.

He’s a blessed man to have you spend the week with him during his near-overdose. I would do the same thing in that situation, but if you’ve read Dear Liz for very long you know that managing your brother isn’t your responsibility. In fact, by managing someone in addiction we often keep them stuck since it slows their path toward truth and the first step toward recovery: admission.

Enabling—often packaged in codependency—shields the truth.

There’s nothing for you to do except love him and support his decision to seek treatment and live a sober life. If he’s truly sober, then yay, loving him will be easier.

But you do have a responsibility to yourself—whether he’s sober or not—to establish boundaries that work for you. Make an advance plan for transportation or if he “suddenly changes” and you become angry and afraid. Next time can you drive him or find a rideshare? Also, set yourself up for success with a plan if he tanks during a meal, and be sure to share it with him in advance. Let him know that you love him, but you’ll leave during the meal if he starts falling asleep.

Just be sure to follow through with the consequences you establish.

Then go enjoy your brother.

DISCLAIMER: All suggestions are expressions of my personal opinion only, informed by decades of research and experience. However, since every situation is different, outcomes are not guaranteed.