Dear Miz Liz:
SUPPORTING AN ADDICT: PRACTICAL TIPS FOR LOVED ONES
Dear Miz Liz: Where is the line between being ever aware of an addict’s behaviors and keeping the dialogue open and being controlling and judgmental? -Kim
Dear Kim,
A magic wand would be handy to have now. You asked one of the hardest questions when we love an addict. We want to help them and not lose them at the same time.
What makes it so complicated is when we think we know what the addict needs to do to improve his or her life, and we want to encourage them to take those steps, and yet we know their decision for recovery is entirely theirs. And pushing them might lead them to pull away from us.
You don’t share details about the status of the addict you mentioned, but I’ll assume this is a friend—based on how you asked the question—and that you don’t live with the addict—for the sake of my answer.
It sounds like this friend tries to gloss over his or her addiction, but you are “ever aware.” Miz Liz has dealt with this same situation. I chose to love the friend and support him—while I watched his life disintegrate—without controlling, advising, nagging, cajoling . . . all the things we’re naturally inclined to do. Instead, I spent time with him (the times he actually showed up to our dinner or whatever it was we’d planned) and listened. I kept inviting him when most people stopped, even when he flaked over and over. I offered sympathy to his woes that increased with his addiction. And my two cents when asked.
I also pointed out the obvious when the opportunity organically presented itself: “Drinking is the common denominator in all these losses you’re describing—losing your girlfriend, recurring health issues, a career door closing, no quality friends to hang out with. I understand that drinking lessens the pain of all these circumstances, and you’re stuck in a cycle. And stopping means admitting you can’t drink again. It totally sucks.”
I don’t control and judge, I just speak with love and logic about the situation, and don’t pretend to be fooled by his attempts to present his life as manageable. But I support him anyway. More importantly, I make it clear that I’m available to help him toward recovery when—God willing—he finally makes the choice to change. To take him to a Celebrate Recovery meeting, to drive him to AA meetings, to help him find a sober living house.
I may not be his favorite person because I don’t grieve the losses with him as independent of the addiction. But in honor of my own boundaries, I need to speak the truth with love. Yet I also don’t bail on him, and he knows I’ll support him forever, just not the addiction. That’s what works for me, Kim. I hope it works for you, too.
If you have some other suggestions or ideas, I’d love to hear them in the comments.
DISCLAIMER: All suggestions are expressions of my personal opinion only, informed by decades of research and experience. However, since every situation is different, outcomes are not guaranteed.