Dear Liz:
WHEN AN ADDICT RUINS AN EVENT
At a recent family gathering my nephew was out of it—again—from the get-go, which made it awkward for everyone. We all tried to fake it and have a normal time, but the elephant added uncomfortable tension. I’m over it, another family thing ruined. My husband and I don’t want to be around him like that, but also don’t want to suffer the collateral damage of missing out. What should we do? Tori
Dear Tori,
I don't blame you. The ball is yours, though, and it sounds like you need to decide your next move.
Deciding your next move depends on which outcome you hate more? Being around Nephew when he’s high and everyone is on edge, or choosing to avoid the situation and not spending that valuable time with extended family?
It’s a difficult choice.
Especially if, like me, you approach every family gathering with the hope and expectation that this time will be different—this time he’ll stay sober. It would be super disappointing to learn you missed out on a fun family event if that turns out to be the case.
Let’s break it down to three (actually four) options:
1. You can choose not to attend, which is totally understandable. Then you need to determine how honest you can be about why you won’t be there. Where does your boundary lie? Are you willing to suffer the fallout from hurt feelings if you share your truth?
2. You can ask him not to come if the event is at your house. More fallout.
3. Or, assuming you’d like to attend and give it a shot, you—maybe you and some other family members—can have a conversation with him in advance and establish your boundaries.
If you choose 3, catch him when he’s sober—likely early in the morning—and communicate the truth of your recent experience with him. Let him know the things you shared in your question to me and communicate how it makes you and your husband feel when he shows up high. Even role play to give him a clear visual. Offer that you’ll video him next time to give him an example—and do it.
Also let him know you realize these family events probably stir up charged emotions for him, and that you understand. You love him and look forward to spending sober time together, having fun as a family. But that you are uncomfortable when he’s high/drunk, and your new boundary is to not endure the stress of being around him when he’s under the influence. This may be a difficult conversation but will ultimately honor both of you.
To do this well, Tori, you’ll need to pause and consider your plan in advance. Can you work with his immediate family and/or the party host to establish your next move? Ask yourself, will you leave in the middle of dinner if he’s suddenly tanked, or if he’s rude to you or someone you love? Or will you ask him to leave and order him a rideshare home? Who’s support do you need to make that happen? What if he's combative, then what?
4. Another icky option—but an option nonetheless—is to host a second party and not invite Nephew. This is not uncommon in divorce situations (when the parents can’t be in the same room together; the kids have to celebrate everything twice), but that isn’t ideal and might divide the family even more than Nephew’s behavior.
I realize that it’s not fair that you have to take these extra steps, but unfortunately that’s where you find yourself. All you can control is you and your response.
I imagine Nephew doesn’t have a lot of people left in his life. If his last resort—family—no longer accepts his inappropriate behavior and he’s not welcome at events, he’ll have more motivation to change and ultimately become sober. For someone with an addiction, that’s always the end goal.
Which is not to diminish that it’s risky business. Sadly, that’s why we call it tough love. This stuff is never easy.
DISCLAIMER: All suggestions are expressions of my personal opinion only, informed by decades of research and experience. However, since every situation is different, outcomes are not guaranteed.