Dear Liz:

IF YOU GIVE TOO MUCH OF YOURSELF, YOU MIGHT BE CODEPENDENT

Dear Liz,

I have a friend I adore who leans on me for encouragement and support. We’re not super close, but we work together. She also wants me to share her posts and guilts me when I don’t make enough effort, lol. I realized I spend a lot of time lifting her up and meeting her needs. I struggle with time-management myself, but also don’t want to disappoint her. And yet I’m realizing she doesn’t reciprocate. Do you have any suggestions? -Cathy

Dear Cathy,

You’re on the bottom side of the teeter-totter of an out-of-balance relationship.

While we know it’s gratifying to offer encouragement and support to people—just ask a teacher or a coach—in an equally yoked peer relationship there should be similar amounts of give and take.

Let’s explore that you “don’t want to disappoint her.” Can you guess where that comes from? Is she someone in your work that is above you? Do you have a reason to impress her? Are you trying to stay in her good graces and, if so, why? Could your interest in wanting her to notice and value you come from a place of codependency?

I imagine the last option holds some truth, but it’s often hard to see in ourselves. Here’s a definition that might give you some clarity. According to Mental Health America, “Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.”

With that said kudos to you for recognizing that she doesn’t reciprocate. Once we recognize our roles in relationships, we can then begin letting go and embracing change in our lives.

Since you see that you spend a lot of time lifting her up and meeting her needs, and you’re recognizing that role, how can you begin letting go?

You can simply speak less often. Or when you do, maybe you can draw her into conversation about your life and struggles if the conversation seems too one-sided. Or ask for advice or help with a situation that’s meaningful to you. Or simply be honest and let her know how you feel and that you find your needs aren’t being met. If that doesn’t work, perhaps it’s time to step back from the relationship if it’s no longer serving you.

Embracing change comes when you decide your boundaries and act on that decision. Consider how much time you choose to spend—if any—sharing her posts. You’re under no obligation to share any, but if that’s part of your relationship there’s nothing wrong with it unless it burdens you to the point of missing out on your own opportunities. When it requires you sacrifice excessive time and energy meeting her needs, it’s codependency, losing yourself on behalf of someone else.

I’m betting you know what to do in order to honor you self and your time. Now you have permission to let go—to the degree you choose—of what sounds like an out-of-balance relationship. It’s very common for people to stay in unhealthy relationships because the thought of letting go is unbearable. I get it. I used to be that girl, and now I call it finding freedom (not coincidentally the name of this newsletter).

That’s what I want for you, Cathy.

DISCLAIMER: All suggestions are expressions of my personal opinion only, informed by decades of research and experience. However, since every situation is different, outcomes are not guaranteed.