Dear Liz:

AM I CARING OR CODEPENDENT?

Dear Liz: When you have kids, how do you know what is codependency and what is caring for them? For example: My brother and his wife moved to Florida from NJ about a year ago.  My sister-in-law is very happy living there and visiting their kids up north a couple times a year. They have 2 kids. One daughter (29) and one son (30). The son had a serious opioid issue a number of years ago and still smokes pot and might be doing other drugs too. He lives with his girlfriend and 2 kids. My brother wants to move back up north to be closer to his son. He feels he would have a better influence on him being closer. My sister-in-law says he needs to figure it out by himself, and they can offer guidance via phone or FaceTime. So is this caring or codependency? Thanks, Marie

Dear Marie,

It’s codependency when we lose ourselves on behalf of someone else (an adult) who has the physical and mental capacity to take care of themselves.

Yikes. . .  if your brother hopes to rescue his 30-year-old son and manage his behavior.

He can offer guidance from a distance and doesn’t need to change his own life to accommodate a grown man, as suggested by your sister-in-law. The key is knowing your brother’s motivation which, of course, he may not even know himself. Most codependents live in denial—until they don’t.

With that said, your brother may not care if he’s being codependent. He likely values his role as rescuer, and it gives him (your brother) purpose. It’s co-dependency if your brother is dependent on his son’s needing him as well. That’s how we often end up in unbalanced relationships that enable our person and—more importantly—inhibit them from growing and managing their own independent lives. In this case your brother would be giving up a happy place in Florida where his wife wants to stay.

The way I see it, if they move back everyone loses. The wife loses, the marriage takes a hit, and the son loses his need to remain sober for his own family if Dad is covering the bases by enabling him.

When phrased that way, it sounds like a selfish act, doesn’t it? In answer to your “is this caring or codependency,” question, a move back to NJ goes beyond caring.

A couple caveats to consider:

1)      We can’t ignore the little kids. You don’t mention your brother desiring to be near what I’ll presume are his grandkids, but instead reference your brother wanting to be near his son to “have a better influence on him.” If they’re his grandkids, this is a gamechanger that Dear Liz can’t ignore. The kids and their healthy and wholesome launch in life takes priority over all else and justifies grandparents living closer. 

2)      Do your brother and his wife have a good marriage? Does he like it in Florida? I can’t help but wonder if moving back to New Jersey to “help” junior might justify a reason for them to head back up north on a permanent basis.

Regardless of where your brother lives, your nephew makes his own choices to use or not use drugs. To hold a job. To pay his rent or mortgage. To be a good parent. I’m guessing you know all this, Marie.

Maybe let your brother know about my workshop on codependency where we look at ourselves and our motivations. It might give him a fresh new perspective that will benefit both him and his son.

DISCLAIMER: All suggestions are expressions of my personal opinion only, informed by decades of research and experience. However, since every situation is different, outcomes are not guaranteed.