Dear Liz:

SHOULD I RESCUE MY KID?

Dear Liz: My addicted daughter is getting evicted from her apartment. She has no money and asked me to help pay her electricity bill and her rent. If I don’t, she might be out on the street. What should I do? Thanks, Ronda

Dear Ronda,

I wouldn’t give her cash.

I probably wouldn’t pay her bills either. But without more details—Is this a pattern? Is she physically and mentally healthy? Does she have kids? Does she have a job?—I hesitate to be too black and white. But if there is a good reason to help her, pay the bills directly so you know where your money is going.

I’ll assume her addiction is dominating her life, and the reason you mentioned it first. Over time addiction can ravage the lives of even the most productive people, who then tend to be broke, often injured and alone after repeatedly burning relationships with family and friends. Assuming your daughter is swirling in quicksand, your short-term help isn’t going to move her any closer to recovery.

Recovery is always the goal. (Although some people function with addiction and limp along living mediocre lives. You can read more about that in an article mentioned in my February 18 newsletter or here: https://waypointrecoverycenter.com/high-functioning-alcoholism/ .)

My loving and enabling mom secretly helped my brother with his rent money for months and, it turns out, by association she was indirectly funding his addiction. Some of the money went to rent, but she also incidentally funded heroin. Our mom didn’t realize it, she was just “trying to help him out.”

He overdosed and died.

Assuming you decide not to give her cash, what should you do? As a mom myself, the thought of my daughter living on the streets is excruciating.

But if she’s over eighteen—and this is agonizing for me to type—that’s not your problem.

You can still love her, offer suggestions for jobs, even provide meals, or drive her on occasion, as you would anyone you care about. But don’t make her money/apartment problem become your problem. That’s codependency and doesn’t serve either of you in the long run.

As harsh as it sounds, she might lose her apartment and end up homeless.

When addicts reach rock bottom and choose to recover, sadly it’s often from a jail or the streets. Our system of support for addiction stinks right now. But there are services such as free shelters, meals and even showers available for unhoused people in most communities.

I’m aware that I’m painting an unbearable picture. Nothing about addiction is pretty. Tough love is risky. You may not be ready to hear any of this, Ronda, and my heart aches for you. But if she continues on her path her options aren’t pleasant, so be prepared. Ask yourself, what do you need to do in order to keep your head on the pillow at night?

Once you decide your position stand firmly behind it. Remember, you can only control your position, how you respond. It’s up to her to choose her path.

DISCLAIMER: All suggestions are expressions of my personal opinion only, informed by decades of research and experience. However, since every situation is different, outcomes are not guaranteed.