Dear Liz:

WHEN PARENTS ARE THE ADDICTS

Dear Liz: My mom drinks too much and it makes me uncomfortable, where I’m just waiting for her personality to change and her passive aggressive jabs to start. I’m grown with my own kids and lately when we’re together I find myself counting her drinks. It’s my birthday soon, and normally my parents would join us for a gathering. It’s gotten to where I’m not sure I want her there. Do I have to invite her to my birthday? Thanks, Suzie

Dear Suzie,

First off, you don’t HAVE to do anything. Especially when you’re dealing with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable and, consequently, unsafe. Dear Liz is familiar with the unease of watching and waiting for someone who is drinking to “change.” I choose not to be around it either—hopefully there’s comfort in knowing you’re not alone.

It’s tough when it’s your mom.

I imagine you otherwise have (or had) a good relationship with Mom and enjoy her company, since they “normally” join you. You mentioned parents, plural, so not inviting them means Dad misses out, too, and your kids miss out on their grandparents.

With that said, it’s reasonable to establish a boundary and choose not to be in her company when she’s inebriated and throwing verbal jabs. Then it’s her choice to decide how much she plans to drink in your presence. But in fairness to everyone involved, I encourage you to have a conversation or write a letter to her about how you feel in advance of your birthday. Let her know you’re uncomfortable after she’s had _____ number of drinks (pick a number).

But don’t make it your responsibility to count her cocktails. It’s not yours to manage.

I would tell her you’re having a birthday gathering and would love for them to come, but lately her drinking has made you uncomfortable and that’s not how you want to spend your birthday. Let her know that if her language becomes offensive, you’ll ask her and Dad to leave.

She may tell you to go pound sand and pass on the invitation. Are you okay with that response? Or she’ll come and behave beautifully. But that’s not likely the first time you establish a new boundary, especially in a mother-daughter relationship. Option C is that Mom will exceed the well-behaved-drink-max and put you in the awkward position of asking her to leave. If she’s tipsy, she’ll probably get snarky. Can you handle that and stand firm in your resolve to maintain your boundary? (She’ll learn you’re serious over time if you’re consistent in your consequence, much the same way good parents are with children).

An alternative is to invite your parents to celebrate at a morning breakfast or lunch instead, presumably before Mom starts drinking.

You can’t and shouldn’t control Mom and her alcohol consumption—that’s codependent—but you can control your boundary and your response. If all this sounds like too much work, don’t invite her at all. But if you choose to keep her in your life, then consider letting her know where you stand and how you intend to protect yourself from this day forward.

Then it’s up to her.

DISCLAIMER: All suggestions are expressions of my personal opinion only, informed by decades of research and experience. However, since every situation is different, outcomes are not guaranteed.