Dear Liz:
DO I TELL MY DAUGHTER SHE’S CODEPENDENT?
Dear Liz,
I'm a dad in recovery (17 years clean/sober) who raised my daughter mostly as a solo parent. She recently married an addict in recovery. Her behavior around him is that of a codependent, which isn't how she is with others. Should I stay out of it and let her figure it out? –Paul Summers, Author of Hide & Seek
Dear Paul,
I expect you already know that it's her journey and only she can decide when/if she needs to make a change. Since you’re in recovery, you also probably know that most addicts are—or at one point were—codependent themselves, something it often takes years to peel back.
As a solo parent trying to raise a solid, grounded girl, I imagine you sacrificed a lot of yourself in the process. I wonder, do you think she witnessed codependency in you, either in your relationship with her or with others?
It’s interesting that she would choose an addict in recovery, but maybe that feels familiar to her.
Please hear me, Paul, that doesn’t take anything away from you and the fact that you did the hard work to change your life. I commend you for your sobriety.
It simply suggests that she’s likely familiar with recovery, especially if you went to meetings regularly. And if you had ongoing conversations about drugs/alcohol directly with her or in the home, then that’s part of her experience.
I watched my mom enable my brother and—unbeknownst to me at the time—became painfully codependent for decades (an example of a generational cycle). I was way too invested in other people’s lives, not realizing it also filled something in me. I wish someone had spoken to me about codependency years ago. If someone had planted that seed, I might have overcome my denial and begun my recovery sooner.
Which leads me to my answer. I encourage you to have a gentle, loving conversation with your daughter to express your experience with codependency. Help her understand what it looks like and how it can affect both people. But make sure you have a good understanding of codependency first. (You can check out my website at www.lizsalamyabess.com or email me for more resources.)
After that, follow your instinct to “stay out of it and let her figure it out.”
Otherwise, you too, are attempting to manage someone else’s life—in this case your daughter’s emotions and her marriage—which is one way of describing codependency!
DISCLAIMER: All suggestions are expressions of my personal opinion only, informed by decades of research and experience. However, since every situation is different, outcomes are not guaranteed.