Dear Liz:
FAMILY WEDDING DRAMA—DO I INVITE MY DAD?
Dear Liz:
I’m getting married and don’t know how to handle my dad. Growing up I adored him. Five years ago, he and my mom had an ugly divorce, and these days he can fly off the handle and I never know what I’m going to get. Sometimes I pull away and we don’t talk for months at a time. But I still love him and would love for him and my mom to walk me down the aisle. But I also don’t want him to ruin my wedding and some family members don’t want him around. What should I do? –Felicia
Dear Felicia,
It’s your wedding. What do you want to do? Assuming your fiancé will honor your needs, I suggest you remove everyone else’s desires and look into your own heart for your answer.
If you’d like Dad there, consider if Mom and Dad can be civil enough to each other to not detract from your experience? I’d have a talk with each of them now—together if possible—and let them know your expectations. Explain that this day isn’t about them and their differences. And that if either one can’t handle it, they’re welcome to choose to not attend your wedding. But you will not tolerate anything other than perfect behavior, which means they might have to fake it for a day. Are they willing to do that for you?
Back to your dad and “I never know what I’m going to get.” That sounds like he has bigger—perhaps undiagnosed—issues, and an event of this emotional magnitude could be a trigger for him. If you invite him and he flies off the handle, have a plan for how to handle it. In fact, can you ask another close family member (we’ll call X) to keep an eye on him and—if needed—step in to shield you from any inappropriate or obnoxious behavior?
Let Dad know in advance that if he makes a scene in any way at the rehearsal or wedding, he will be asked to leave by said X.
This is your day, Felicia. Dear Liz hopes it’s everything you want it to be. I imagine you’re putting a lot of thought into the details.
Having an advance plan for inclement weather or inclement people should all be part of the process.
Barring any new drama between now and then, I’m betting you’d like to have Dad share in your special day.
Make your plan, release it and enjoy every minute.
DISCLAIMER: All suggestions are expressions of my personal opinion only, informed by decades of research and experience. However, since every situation is different, outcomes are not guaranteed.