Dear Liz:

MOMS NEED BOUNDARIES, TOO

Dear Liz:

My 23-year-old son was in town and we discussed dinner at my house to celebrate his birthday with him and his fiancé. So I planned a meal, shopped for groceries and baked a cake. At 5:00 p.m. Sunday, he said they’re tired and decided to just grab a pizza. I was disappointed and hurt and stuck with a cake. The old me would be okay with it, but not now that I’m recovering from codependency, I feel differently. What would you have done? Thanks, Shondra

Dear Shondra,

I’d have been disappointed, same as you.

Now, what to do next time? First off, as a recovering codependent girl, I appreciate your desire to acknowledge your boundaries and make your needs known. Sounds like you’re well into your recovery.

I would express my disappointment and help him understand the extent of the effort I made. Not to guilt him, but to teach him. I imagine he hasn’t “hosted” much yet, and—if you’re like me—he has experienced Mom happily catering to him and providing him a meal any time while making it look effortless. But he’s a grown man, and you did make significant effort. Someday, he’ll get it.

In the meantime, I’d say something like, “Son, I love that you can be honest with me, and I totally understand being tired. But we chose Sunday to celebrate you, and I planned and shopped and baked to make it a special evening for your birthday and said no to other plans (if that is true). Maybe we can push the time back an hour so you can catch a nap. I’m happy to be flexible, but for you to cancel now makes me not only sad—you know how much I love spending time with you and ____ (fiancé) when you’re in town—but also stuck with the food bought. Can we find a compromise that works for both of us?”

Shondra, Dear Liz has a grown son, too, and have had to learn the true meaning of letting go. The acceptance and adjustment required has exceeded my expectations. In fact, it sucks. But it’s all good and healthy and normal, especially after they meet their person. And like every significant change in life, once we accept it, we’ll be fine.

With that said, it’s also important to let them know how we want/need to be treated (our boundaries), since we are developing a new, adult version of this lifelong relationship. I love the quote from the movie Princess Diaries, where the limo driver says to Anne Hathaway, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” (which is actually requoted from Eleanor Roosevelt).

In your own words gently let your son know he doesn’t have consent to diss you like we moms allowed when they were kids, when being taken for granted was part of the package. You have separate lives now and you’re dealing with an adult version of your relationship.

Then give him a huge hug and soak up every minute of the time you have together.

DISCLAIMER: All suggestions are expressions of my personal opinion only, informed by decades of research and experience. However, since every situation is different, outcomes are not guaranteed.