Dear Liz:
LOVING WITH BOUNDARIES
Dear Liz: I have a friend I love who is drinking too much and leaning on me. I try to help her and include her with my other friends, but she gets drunk—even blacked out, lights on, no one is home—and embarrasses me. Then I have to leave the function and take care of her. She even ordered a meal at dinner knowing she had no money which left me paying for it, something I can’t afford. Now don’t want to invite her but want to support her. What should I do? Regina
Dear Regina,
From some of your comments I’d put my money on you knowing about boundaries. Dear Miz Liz is happy to give you permission to implement those boundaries while still loving your friend. Which, of course, is where it gets complicated and why you’re writing me.
This is hard stuff.
Let’s start at the bottom. How can you support her, but not invite her? Maybe spend one-on-one time with her on a Saturday morning for coffee. Or a walk. Call or text her now and then to check in. Most people with a substance use addiction have lost their core group of friends for reasons similar to those you described.
It’s lovely that you want to help her but also remember that those painful losses are part of the process of choosing recovery, as harsh as that sounds. Again, she’s lucky to have you.
As for the free meal at dinner, if there’s a next time, can you ask her if she has cash before you invite her? A “Show me the money,” Jerry Maguire kind of thing.
Now to the beginning and most important part of your question. You mention her embarrassing you when she’s getting black out drunk, and you leaving and taking care of her. The bigger issue is her blood alcohol rising to a fatal level and killing her. Since you can’t know when it becomes dangerous, I’d advise you to not get yourself in that situation again. Or be prepared to take her to the hospital if necessary.
It sucks to live with yourself knowing someone you love overdosed and died, and forever wondering if your actions could have made a difference. Trust me, I’ve been there.
If you avoid the situation and spend time with her in the morning when she’s more likely sober, you won’t be in the position of leaving and taking care of her after her drinking becomes embarrassing or toxic. (There are at-home tests to check blood alcohol content, but it’s not your responsibility to babysit your friend—that’s a reasonable boundary).
I’m sure you want to help your friend, and I’d encourage you to have an honest conversation with her when she’s sober about the reasons you are distancing yourself. Tell her you believe she’s an alcoholic. Explain that her inappropriate behavior when she’s intoxicated is not something you choose to be around anymore. That you love her and support her and would love to meet for coffee. That you’re available to encourage her when she chooses to make changes in her life.
This is a difficult conversation—one most people avoid—they simply pull away instead. But it is a gift to help an addict bear witness to how and why their life is unraveling before they hit rock bottom. To be clear, it’s not your responsibility, but it might get her on the path to recovery sooner.
It also takes courage, but I believe you have that in you, Regina.
Don’t worry if she becomes defensive and angry, I’d be surprised if she didn’t. Just give her a big hug and tell her how much you love her, and then enjoy the rest of your coffee.
DISCLAIMER: All suggestions are expressions of my personal opinion only, informed by decades of research and experience. However, since every situation is different, outcomes are not guaranteed.