Dear Liz:
RESPOND TO RED FLAGS
Dear Liz: My teen son is sleeping a lot and stopped hanging out with his best friend since kindergarten and the rest of their group of friends. We have also noticed a change in his behavior and he’s doing terrible in school. Should we do random drug testing on him? Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Yes, is my short answer.
But honestly, it depends on what—if anything—you plan to do with the information if he tests dirty? If you’re not prepared to establish and enforce consequences, then you’re wasting your time and money, and chipping at your relationship with your son.
I’ll explain. The circumstances you described are absolute red flags, so I applaud you for recognizing it and considering options to intervene.
It sounds like he’s still in high school. Which means you still have a shot at saving him. But you need to act TODAY. Treat it like an emergency. I don’t say that lightly—it could be a full-time job. This is the topic about which I’m most passionate. Your action (or nonaction) could steer him down a fork in the road that might define the rest of his life. And your whole family’s, for that matter.
I’ve witnessed similar situations close-up, and in most situations the parents’ denial prevented them from acting in a timely manner. Once your son reaches 18, all bets are off. You’ve lost your leverage to manage his actions.
If he’s still a minor and abusing drugs or alcohol, you have an opportunity to create walls around a brick path of behavior that you mandate by establishing and enforcing consequences for misbehavior. For example, taking away his car or driving privileges. Restricting gaming or other devices, including his phone, computer, etc. Keeping a tight rein and/or grounding him.
In a personal experience we created a sheet that teachers signed off each week at my stepson’s high school. If he didn’t receive passing scores, his consequences were clear. The teachers loved it and were thrilled to work with parents who cared. (This was a different time in our education system.) With clear consequences there’s no need for fighting or begging for forgiveness “just this once.” It was black and white, and therefore effective.
Brace yourself, anonymous, this won’t be fun, but how you choose to respond—hands down—is one of the most impactful decisions of your life. Are YOU ready to do the work? Find yourself some support (email me if you need help) and go save your son.
DISCLAIMER: All suggestions are expressions of my personal opinion only, informed by decades of research and experience. However, since every situation is different, outcomes are not guaranteed.