CAN YOU SUPPORT AND FEEL SAFE WITH AN ADDICT?

My brother’s struggled with drugs for years. I thought he was sober now, but I watched him suddenly change during a meal. When he drove us home after dinner, he was all over the road. What should I do? -Riley

Dear Riley,

I hear that you want to help your brother, but safety takes priority over all other things. . .

WHEN PARENTS ARE THE ADDICTS

My mom drinks too much and it makes me uncomfortable. . . I’m just waiting for her personality to change and her passive aggressive jabs to start. . . Do I have to invite her to my birthday? Thank you, Suzie

Dear Suzie,

First off, you don’t HAVE to do anything. . .

AM I CARING OR CODEPENDENT?

When you have kids, how do you know what is codependency and what is caring for them? For example: My brother and his wife moved to Florida. . .

Dear Marie:

Yikes, if your brother hopes to rescue his 30-year-old son and manage his behavior.

WHEN YOUR KIDS ASK FOR HELP

Dear Liz: My addicted daughter is getting evicted from her apartment. She has no money and asked me to help pay her electricity bill and her rent. If I don’t, she might be out on the street. What should I do? Thanks, Ronda

Dear Ronda,

I wouldn’t give her cash.

Yes, is my short answer.

But honestly, it depends on what—if anything—you plan to do with the information if he tests dirty? If you’re not prepared to establish and enforce consequences, then you’re wasting your time and money, and chipping at your relationship with your son.

Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love is an excellent book that decodes our relationships styles, whether secure, anxious or avoidant. Our attachment style is influenced by a variety of factors—not only our childhood, as previously believed—including our life experiences. And good news, they can change over time.

Dear Regina,

From some of your comments I’d put my money on you knowing about boundaries. Dear Miz Liz is happy to give you permission to implement those boundaries while still loving your friend. Which, of course, is where it gets complicated and why you’re writing me.

My 23-year-old son was in town and we discussed dinner at my house to celebrate his birthday with him and his fiancé. So I planned a meal, shopped for groceries and baked a cake. At 5:00 p.m. Sunday, he said they’re tired and decided to just grab a pizza. I was disappointed and hurt and stuck with a cake. . .

Dear Sheila,

Your question is really about boundaries, and I respect you for asking it. I imagine you’ve had some experience with this and appreciate where it’s coming from.

If you’ve been reading this column, you know I’m normally a tough love kind of girl. In this case, though, I’d focus on the word “love.”

Dear Claudia,

My simple answer is that the line gets crossed when we lose ourselves to meet someone else’s needs when it’s not ours to do. (I assure you that you’re not alone, Claudia, many parents have a hard time separating the two.)